Oscars 2010 liveblogging

OK, there are about to be a whole passle of people at my house for the awards viewing, but I have been requested to live blog the event, so I will do my best to share sporadic snarky thoughts with you as the evening progresses. Just know this: if Avatar wins Best Picture, I WILL CUT SOMEONE. Let’s enjoy! (New content will be at the top; scroll down for older stuff.)

Summary: Pretty boring ceremony overall, but some nice moments and LOVE that Avatar was limited to tech awards. I only predicted 13 categories correctly, an all-time low. Better luck next year.

10:57 – Are you shitting me right now? They played “I am woman, hear me roar” as Kathryn Bigelow exited. Gross.

10:55 – AWESOME. I hope this milestone is rapidly followed by a whole shitload of other female directors, producers, technicians, and all those other male-dominated categories. Woo!

10:50 – Is anyone else over Sean Penn? Please let Meryl win … pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseDAMMIT. OK. Sandra Bullock’s year. It’s cool. Well, now I’m just crying. Nice speech, lady.

10:35 – Yay! Jeff! The Dude abides!

10:25 – I’m sure these homages for the best actor/actress nominees are incredibly embarrassing for the performers, but I really like how they all get honored and recognized.

10:15 – Enough with the lamp backdrop!

10:10 – So how did they pick which stars were going to preview each of the Best Picture nominees? Because, Keanu Reeves? Really?

9:50 – I just … what the hell does the dancing mean? Why are they break dancing to the Hurt Locker score? Now they’re doing fucked up robotic mime shit for Up. WHAT IS GOING ON?

9:45 – OK,  I need something fun to start happening. Maybe a pie in someone’s face, some explosions … this dance sequence is NOT DOING IT FOR ME.

9:35 – Still not sure about Sandra Bullock’s dress, but her hair is bee-you-ti-ful. Whoa, dramatic entrance for Demi! Oh … it’s for the in memoriam section. Here’s where I discover all the people who died that I thought were already dead.

9:20 – Kristen Stewart is bringing out my inner cranky grandma again. For Christ’s sake, LOOK HAPPY. Or at least DON’T LOOK BORED. I have no patience with that disaffected youth crap. GET OFFA MY LAWN!

9:12 – Honestly. Charlize. No one with your genetic gifts should have CRAZY SATIN TUMOR ROSES on her boobs. Why?

9:10 – Look, I just really need James Cameron’s wife to eat a sandwich, OK?

8:58 – Well, this one (supporting actress) isn’t even a contest. But, wow, what a strong category this year. Love the flowers in Mo’nique’s hair.

8:50 – Dammit, I’m only five out of nine for picking the winners. This having kids thing is WRECKING my pop culture cred.

8:40 – Oh, Ben Stiller. You’re allllllllmost pulling this off.

8:32 – Can we just have cute Frenchmen accept all the awards? I applause you, monsieur.

8:30 – My mom: “Why is Carey Mulligan wearing chandeliers on her ears?” Nobody knows, Ma. Nobody knows.

8:25 – Um, is Judd Nelson dying of some wasting disease? Dude looks ROUGH.

8:15 – Tina Fey and Robert Downey, Jr. need to do a project together. They’re both funny as hell, and also I would sleep with either one of them. TMI?

8:02 – Seriously. Who likes Miley Cyrus? Anyone? Bueller? I would say that I was SO OVER her, except I never was under her in the first place. Wait … that sounds wrong. She’s making my inner crabby grandma come out. STAND UP STRAIGHT, YOUNG LADY.

7:55 – That was an awesome Jimmy Kimmel commercial.

7:50 – OK, I loved the opening. Way to Busby Berkeley it up! And Christoph Waltz, whose win I TOTALLY CALLED, is adorable.

7:05 – GEORGE. You are letting us DOWN. You’re our generation’s Cary Grant! Cary Grant does not wear a freaking MULLET. What the what?

7:01 – Hi, Sherry Shepard. Perhaps you should invest in some more supportive undergarments.

6:40 – Gabourey Sidibe, I frickin’ LOVE you. You look gorgeous, and I love how much you’re enjoying this whole thing. OMG. “If fashion is porn, this dress is the money shot!” LOVE.

6:15 – WHAT IN THE HELL IS SARAH JESSICA PARKER WEARING? Really? You can’t get your dress to actually fit you in back? Also, here’s a tip: ideally, your hairdo should not be bigger than your actual HEAD. Unless you’re, say Marie Antoinette. And we all know what happened to her. Just sayin’.

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